(via girlsgotafacelikemurder, susansurface)
Have you ever been in the ocean when the waves start to get really irregular? Or really strong. And at some points, the waves are calm and soothing and you can just float at the top happily. And then out of no where the tide picks up and its like every move you make is just pulling you further down under. Or that every time you try to pull yourself back up above the surface you get sucked back down. The worst part is you can’t even see what’s pulling you down. And how are you supposed to stop something you can’t see? It’s exhausting and scary. It’s fucking terrifying. You don’t know what to and sometimes it feels like the only thing you can do is just panic and break down and let yourself get pulled under, even though you know you won’t be able to resurface. And then its like a fucking tidal wave, dragging you under and as soon as your head goes under the water you know you don’t have a chance. You know that there’s absolutely no chance of pulling through. You KNOW that your gonna end up washing up on the beach and getting tumbled and crushed under the pressure. Because how are you supposed to swim through a fucking tidal wave?
Well that’s what it feels like to try to recover from an eating disorder.
And this feels like a fucking tsunami.
this is all i want
fasting. first fast of this diet.
i’m going to drink coffee to keep me awake and give me energy. no sugar or cream.
and whatever no-calorie drinks i want.
and some sleeping pills so that i’m not tempted by any hunger. but i can see myself jumping for calories as soon as it hits midnight.
perfect. i know he would want me more if i had that body.